Burn Out...

I am beginning to realize why the teacher turnover rate is so high.

Every Sunday, I find myself dreading Monday, and I wonder, "Am I really cut out for this?"  I see some of my friends and how much they can't wait to see their kids each week and I think, maybe I'm not passionate enough for this?

During the week, it's actually not so bad.  When I'm in the midst of my work I often find moments where I really enjoy what I'm doing (like tutoring kids one-on-one or having a lesson go well).  On the weekends, however, I just think, "Man, I wish my life could be like one long weekend that never ends."  On Sunday night in particular, I'm sullen and moody, and getting up Monday morning is the most painful thing ever.

Sometimes I think, "If I'm going to be doing this the rest of my life, shouldn't I be excited for Mondays?"  And if I'm not excited for Mondays, am I negatively impacting my kids?  They say kids can tell if you don't want to be there.

So I guess the question is: Do I really want to be there?

Right now, it's hard for me to answer because I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is simply mental and physical exhaustion or if it is lack of passion for what I'm doing.  And I'm only in my first year...

I got into teaching partly because teenagers are ridiculously fun and I love getting to know them and helping them understand math; partly because I wanted a job where I can be creative, but I'm not an "artist"; partly because math is fascinating; partly for stability; and partly because of vacations (there's more, but...you get the picture).  Right now...I'm finding creativity to be extremely challenging, and sometimes I think, maybe a brainless 9-5 office job doesn't sound so bad...breaks seem few and far between and I have homework every night...and, while I love my kids, loving 150+ kids can be completely draining and often leave me feeling frustrated or like I'm letting 150+ kids down.

Another issue that feeds my questions is the fact that I've always had the "need" to feel "liked."  This influences how my day goes and my classroom management.  As one of my students put it: "Ms. J...don't take this the wrong way, but...you're a pushover."

Basically, I haven't improved much since last year when my students told me I need to be meaner.

Teaching is hard.