Burn Out...

I am beginning to realize why the teacher turnover rate is so high.

Every Sunday, I find myself dreading Monday, and I wonder, "Am I really cut out for this?"  I see some of my friends and how much they can't wait to see their kids each week and I think, maybe I'm not passionate enough for this?

During the week, it's actually not so bad.  When I'm in the midst of my work I often find moments where I really enjoy what I'm doing (like tutoring kids one-on-one or having a lesson go well).  On the weekends, however, I just think, "Man, I wish my life could be like one long weekend that never ends."  On Sunday night in particular, I'm sullen and moody, and getting up Monday morning is the most painful thing ever.

Sometimes I think, "If I'm going to be doing this the rest of my life, shouldn't I be excited for Mondays?"  And if I'm not excited for Mondays, am I negatively impacting my kids?  They say kids can tell if you don't want to be there.

So I guess the question is: Do I really want to be there?

Right now, it's hard for me to answer because I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is simply mental and physical exhaustion or if it is lack of passion for what I'm doing.  And I'm only in my first year...

I got into teaching partly because teenagers are ridiculously fun and I love getting to know them and helping them understand math; partly because I wanted a job where I can be creative, but I'm not an "artist"; partly because math is fascinating; partly for stability; and partly because of vacations (there's more, but...you get the picture).  Right now...I'm finding creativity to be extremely challenging, and sometimes I think, maybe a brainless 9-5 office job doesn't sound so bad...breaks seem few and far between and I have homework every night...and, while I love my kids, loving 150+ kids can be completely draining and often leave me feeling frustrated or like I'm letting 150+ kids down.

Another issue that feeds my questions is the fact that I've always had the "need" to feel "liked."  This influences how my day goes and my classroom management.  As one of my students put it: "Ms. J...don't take this the wrong way, but...you're a pushover."

Basically, I haven't improved much since last year when my students told me I need to be meaner.

Teaching is hard.

Time

So...the lack of posts here pretty much sums up my life as a first year teacher.  Unbearably busy.  I will transfer some posts from my xanga and facebook later.  So much for having a record of my first year.  I want to try harder to blog during second semester, so I can look back at my first year and see how far I've gone (at least I hope it will be far).

First Week, tracking, etc

I've heard the first week is both the hardest and the easiest.  I'm beginning to think this is true.

I got to school every day before 7 and left after 7 on a couple days.  I was soooo exhausted, mostly because of my own lack of efficiency and poor planning.

The kids, however, are wonderful.  My first period has been especially patient with me as I work out the kinks in my lessons.  Unfortunately for them, they are the ones who end up asking me, "What is the figure that the question is asking about?" when I forgot to draw the figure onto the warm-up transparency.

The students here seem very different than at the school I student-taught at, but I've determined it's due to the fact that my current school is much more heavily tracked than the other school.  Also, I've been told I have the "good classes."  Ninth grade geometry, 10-12 geometry, and one section of ninth grade Algebra 1.  At my school last year, almost all ninth graders were in Algebra 1.

I'm very torn about tracking.  My M.A. program was very focused on heterogeneous classrooms and very against tracking, but I look at my students, and I think that, with my current teaching ability, my 9th grade Geometry students would not learn as much if they were in the same class as my 9th grade Algebra students.  And actually, my 9th grade Algebra students probably wouldn't learn as much either.  Perhaps if I was more skilled as a teacher and better at classroom management it would work, but to be more skilled I need practice.  But to get practice, students who could be learning more would have to learn less...at least for awhile.

The idealist part of me hopes for heterogeneous classrooms, but the practical part of me wonders if I can handle it.

With math, I think there will always be some measure of tracking.  I don't think it's reasonable to expect all students to mature in abstract mathematical thought at the same pace.  However I do think that tracking could be decreased by working on math education in the lower grades. 

In an ideal world, students would be working at their own pace all throughout their education.  We put so many arbitrary timelines and forget that kids learn at different paces.  I think it's what eventually turns so many kids off to certain subjects and school in general.

But alas, it isn't an ideal world.

Anyways, this post about my first week turned into a reflection on tracking.

My long weekend has been spent organizing and entering whether students have turned in work.  I don't think I'm teaching sustainably.  Hopefully once I'm all organized, things will go more smoothly.  At least if planning gets easier, I'll be able to handle it when classroom management issues escalate.  Although, I'm really hoping that classroom management will turn out to not be a problem.  I can hope, right?

I feel a little like I'm still a pushover.  I need to remind myself what my kids told me last year: "Ms. J, you need to be more mean." haha

Lesson Planning

Lesson planning has been tough, especially because I haven't really gotten the chance to chat with the other teachers in the department.  Our school has a pacing schedule, which I'm not really used to and not completely sure how to follow.  Plus, the book we're using is very different from what I'm used to teaching out of.  Last year, when I was student-teaching, we used CPM Algebra Connections.  This year I'm teaching out of McDougal Littel.

I actually learned math using McDougal texts when I was in high school.  However, my M.A./credential program had a slant toward the progressive end in terms of math curriculum, so it will  take some getting used to to teach out of a more traditional text.

There are so many good ideas I've read about/learned about, but I'm beginning to realize I'm going to have to take a couple of good ideas at a time.  Especially this first year, I'm feeling overwhelmed and I haven't even really started yet.

I'm still debating on how to start the year off.  I feel so nervous because I've heard so many things about how the start of the year is so crucial.  I'd really like to do some community building and getting to know you things, but the pacing schedule seems like it doesn't leave me any time.

I'm getting more and more nervous each day.  3 more days until I have orientation!

So It Begins...

I was playing around with the idea of creating a blog for my classes to post things like homework and other interesting tidbits, so I looked around online for good examples of class blogs.  I ended up stumbling upon some teacher blogs, which I found fascinating, and I thought that perhaps for this new era of my life I should create a new blog.  One that specifically chronicles the ins and outs of my days as a teacher.  One where I can store successes and mistakes for future reference.  And so I decided to create this blog.

On the other hand, I've decided that, at least at the moment, I can't really do much more with a class blog than I can with the web-system that my school already has, so it isn't worth my time to create one.  Doesn't mean I won't in the future, but I think at this moment I have a few too many things on my plate to really develop a good website/blog plan that will actually benefit my students.  Right now I'm focusing on setting goals.  Maybe I will start discovering the benefits of technology more during my second year of teaching, when I actually have some idea of what I'm doing.

So for now my blogging will remain a personal hobby and perhaps a way to connect with other educators as I start my journey into the land of teaching.